4:00 a.m.

Let me preface this by saying I don't do politics. I don't talk about them with other people (except with Chris) and ever since I got myself into debates over the 2012 Same-Sex Marriage Amendment, I have tried to stay out of the Facebook politics as well. And really, I think I did a good job. But it's the day after the election and I have looming due dates on articles I need to write for actual pay and here I am, writing about the election. 

Prior to last night, my views on Trump were always snickering at the stupid things he said. "He's not really going to be president," I'd tell Chris after watching some news piece on the latest dumb thing Trump said. "There is no way a man like that will be the president." I blew it off.

It wasn't until the pussy-grabbing started that I really felt myself getting worried. I mean, like I said, I don't do politics.

On one hand, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to articulate my thoughts. On the other, there is too much going on inside my head.

Friends, this is so far beyond politics now. And I get it. I get it that my Republican friends supported him because they wanted to break the establishment. I get that. If you are a middle-to-upper class white man who stands in support of Trump, hey, I get it. What I can't seem to fathom is why a woman, why a mother, would ever support him. I look at my daughter and I can't seem to understand how a woman and mother can listen to this sexist talk, from a man who so clearly has no respect for women, who has admitted to sexually assaulting women, and vote for him. Support him. Stand behind him proudly. If this was any other government official, he would be kicked out of office. But so many let him off. Defend him. "Well EMAILS!" they scream. I don't get it. I just don't.

I'm worried for Olivia. I'm worried for my LBGT friends. I'm worried for my friends of color. For my friends with disabilities. I'm worried what this means for the reproductive rights of women. I'm just so worried, you guys.

I stayed up until 10:30 last night, switching back and forth between the election coverage and Netflix. When I saw Hillary's 209 and Trump's 244, I walked downstairs to Chris.

"He's going to win. He's actually going to be president," I said to Chris.

Olivia woke us at 4:00 a.m. to nurse. After she was back in bed, I checked my phone. And my heart sunk. I had trouble sleeping after that.

You guys, I was actually sick to my stomach about politics. I've never lost sleep over politics. I've never woken up to check my phone because of politics

And honestly, I thought it was just me. I thought I was just being dramatic by feeling terrified of this guy running the country. I thought I was just emotional, as I saw someone put it today on Facebook.

But this isn't us feeling emotional, is it? This is genuine concern over a man who has boasted about his violence against women, who ran a campaign on hated, racism, sexism and fear mongering. He effectively brought out the worst qualities in Americans. Do I honestly think he is going to make good on his lavish promises? I hope not. I know he blurts out a lot of things like closing our borders to Muslims, building a wall along the Mexican border (though correct me if I'm wrong, but immigrants work way harder than most Americans on welfare and take the jobs *we* don't want to do) and defunding Planned Parenthood, without having a solid plan in place to do so. Is it just talk? Who knows?

One thing I'm thankful for, is a husband who shares my beliefs. Who also wants better for our daughter. So today I grieve. I let the anger come. But I know I need to be better. I, not society, need to set the example for my daughter of what is love and acceptance. Olivia's daddy needs to show her who real men are, ones who are respectful to women, who know how to treat them. And I'm grateful she's too young to remember this. But it's the ramifications of these next four years that make me wonder how she will be affected.

Though she's a tad too young to remember, Olivia's first president was black. I was so hoping her second would be a woman. But I have hope that this country will be ok. Maybe Trump will surprise us? And then maybe next time we will have our first woman.