I forgot to say on here that I passed my glucose test. I hadn't heard back from the clinic and then last weekend we were out of town and I ended up calling the clinic for the results while on vacation. Sugar was 102 and they want to see it under 140. So... go me! If infertility has taught me anything, it's to hope for good news while preparing for the worst. Not that the diabeetus would have been the worst by far, but for some reason I had a lot of anxiety over failing the one hour test and then having to do the three hour which I knew I couldn't physically handle. It was a huge relief getting that test done and over with.
One of my friends recently gave me two huge garbage bags of baby clothes, newborn to 9 months. Friday evening I went through them to sort and kind of ended up a weepy mess in this pile of teeny baby onesies and dresses. And then that turned into going out and buying some baby detergent and washing them all. My laundry basket was over flowing.
I'm drowning in baby clothes. I never thought I'd be drowning in baby clothes. I feel so blessed.
I've had people ask in the last few weeks how I was doing. Meaning: am I still acting like a psychotic pregnant infertile?
Simple answer: No not really.
Complicated answer: Yes and no. In the first trimester, besides for being sick and tired, I was so scared. I could hardly enjoy anything having to do with my pregnancy because I was waiting for the ball to drop. Now though, the fear is still there, but it mostly now comes after we've purchased something big for the baby or have done something like register for baby classes, or completed our registry. When we bought the crib, when we painted the nursery dressers, and yes, even last Friday night when I washed the baby clothes, I got this moment of dread afterward. Like, what if we do all this and then we lose her? Which is totally stupid to think about because it would still be the end of the world if we lost her regardless of what we were doing to prepare for her. Still, that anxiety is there and probably will be for the next 10 weeks or so.
It's like, this past Monday when I woke up and usually I feel her start moving around after I come back from the bathroom and re-position myself again. This time, I didn't feel her so I started prodding my stomach and she still wasn't moving. That's when the thought came: What if I lost her? What if I did all that laundry over the weekend and now she's gone?
Like I said, it's stupid. So I got up and drank some orange juice and poked around my stomach with the Doppler before I felt the squirms. And I think I totally pissed her off because she was just sleeping and Mama is going crazy, but seriously. She can't do that to me.
Her movements are slowly starting to change now over the last week. What used to be hard kicks and jabs are now a lot more rolls and twists. I can see my stomach start rising up like a marshmallow in the microwave before it explodes (we made s'mores this weekend, can you tell?) and small little flutters above my belly button. It's hard to believe that she is probably getting more squished in there so what I'm feeling is probably more elbows and knees than feet and fists. Still, she can pack the occasional punch in my side which makes me holler out in the middle of Target while cruising the aisles with Chris. Good thing is, Chris is actually able to feel her a lot more and see my stomach flopping around like crazy now. This must be the part of pregnancy that everyone grows to miss when it's over.
Labels: fears, life, Pregnancy, Reasons infertility sucks, Third Trimester
