Today I should be holding you.

Today I should be holding you.

I should be holding you while you sleep, watching you as your grandma holds you for the first time.  I should be grimacing in discomfort after your birth.  I should be receiving messages in celebration of you.

Today you should have been here with me.

I know where you are.  I know you are ok, that you are being looked after.  Sometimes when I picture you, I see you being held in the arms of Jesus.  And I know you are in the safest place you could be, but there are days when it's not good enough.  Because you should be in my arms.  I wanted to be the one to hold you.  There are days when I physically ache for you; when the loss of you seems so great that I can barely stand it.

I didn't have you long enough to hear your heartbeat, or to feel your kicks, or watch you swell my tummy.  But you were there.  You will always be my firstborn.  July 12th 2013 was a day a piece of my heart went to Heaven with you.

I never saw myself as a mother with a child in Heaven.  I never thought I would find my stomach twisting in knots when I am asked if I have any children.  Adam, I am ashamed to admit that there are many times I tell them "no" because it's easier that way.  How do I begin to explain your story? How do I explain the fact that you were created with more love than anyone could imagine, and then you were taken so early from me?  How can I bring you up in answer to such an innocent question?  How can I explain to them what your presence meant to me?  You are too special for that.

You, Adam, were so loved.  No one on Earth could have wanted you as much as I did.  Today was the day I should have been able to meet you, hold you, kiss you, stare into your face.  I miss you so much.

Happy Due Date, my sweet baby.



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