I had a lot of time to think on bed rest. Actually, my best friend and my parents were over all day Saturday, so there wasn't much time to think... which was good.
But Friday I got home, and immediately texted my friend Emily and told her what happened. She's amazing. She told me to practice visualizing, that my little embryo was in there and to imagine it implanting. She told me to light a candle, to rub lotion on my hands and breathe in the scent, sort of an aroma therapy. I felt better after that.
Saturday morning, Chris had to bring our doggie, Toby, to the vet for blood work so I was alone. I had a lot of time to think about my body. Our first IVF we had ten eggs, 5 fertilized, three became embryos, and only one made it. This time we got 8 eggs, and 4 were fertilized with ICSI. Only one made it. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It's not enough that I compare myself to people who have no trouble conceiving, but now I find myself comparing myself against others going through IVF. Those who have multiple embryos that they are able to transfer two and freeze the rest. That was supposed to be me. But once again, I was left with one. If this doesn't work, it will be on to my third IVF. And I never saw that coming. I remember back a year ago how strange it felt to be starting IUIs. And now here I am PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) with my second IVF. I have shit for eggs. Clearly. ICSI was supposed to get us more embryos. That didn't happen. And Saturday, thinking about that, the tears started again.
So the visualization was tried again. I visualized all the negative energy leaving my body, literally flowing off me. It's amazing how well that works.
That's how my bedrest has been. Battling the negativity. Yes, I have this one. I am PUPO. The others didn't make it, but there is no reason that this one won't. But it's different this time around. The first IVF, we had so much hope. I was so excited. I talked to everyone, referring to the embryo as "my baby." Now, it's different. I talk that way with Chris, but I think everyone else is uncomfortable with it. Like it's not a baby until there is a heartbeat. I'm not going to be doing that anymore. I'm actually glad I am off work this week and part of the next. It allows me to control who I see and who I talk about it to. Like I said, it's different this time around. I need this time to be selfish and to think about me, my husband and my baby. And I don't think that's a bad thing. For those of you reading this who have been that anchor for me during the last few days, Meagan, Jules, Devon, Emily... You girls have no idea how much you've helped me survive this bedrest. For acknowledging my one, but helping me mourn the others, for telling me to stay strong, but not punishing me for admitting my negativity. Thank you. For all my blogging buddies, who left such inspiring comments yesterday, thank you. For Mel, and Mom and Dad, providing me with some awesome distraction Saturday, thank you.
Last night, I was reading blogs, when I came to a post about pineapple core and implantation. Basically there is this enzyme in the core called Bromelien that helps with implantation. You eat it for 5 days starting with the day of transfer. Well, I was 2 days out when I read this and immediately sent Chris out for a pineapple. I ate one section last night and one day so far. I don't know how well it works if you don't do it the day of transfer, but I guess better late than never.
Let me tell you, it feels great being able to eat vertical again. And shower. That was good too.
I don't even know where I am in my transfer. Technically, I am 3dp6dt (three days post-six day transfer) but is that accurate if my embryo wasn't even a blast at transfer? I have no idea what is going on in my uterus right now, but hopefully that little one is still in there, doing its thing... whatever it is it's doing.
Labels: embryo, Fertiles, Grief, ICSI, Infertility education, IVF, Reasons infertility sucks, strength, surviving days post-transfer, Two Week Wait