These past two weeks have been the best and worst weeks of my life. Emotional roller coaster doesn't even begin to describe the ups and downs that I have been feeling, though it was more like an emotional Mt. Everest ride. I expected the highs, as moving forward with each new step in the process seemed to give us a higher percentage chance. This made everything much more real, but in all honesty, I just never saw that IVF wouldn't work.
I know how statistics work but with our clinic's numbers, I was more than hopeful. I was imagining what Risa was going to look like three months pregnant and the fun we would have picking out his room. What weird food combination I would have to conjure at 2 AM to make Adam and her happy and imagining how I would feel the moment I got to hold my son.
Then we hit the peak. Telling family and friends and looking forward to the confirmation the next day and I was literally on cloud nine. I had the biggest smile on my face and heart that I've had since our wedding day. Then I got the message from Risa. For the next two days, I cried more than I have ever cried about anything in my life.
I still just don't know exactly how to describe how I am right now. I go about my day getting my work done, but I'm just sad and tired. I can crack jokes with people and then go back to my desk and tear up. This is how it is for me. When I stay still, my mind triggers my memory to tell me I'm sad and up comes the emotions. Funny how in my first post, I linked a song called "Be Still" by the Fray. Talk about irony when a song that I posted which stirred up so many feelings for me during a time when my friend and his wife were celebrating one of their lost children. Below is a few lines of the lyrics.
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know
If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am
This is problem that I have. I want to think about Adam, but it hurts real bad. I don't want to be still right now because the pain is there. One day, I know things will be better after enough time has passed in order for me to process how to handle these feelings.
In the meantime, we have had an outpouring of support from our friends and family. This support is the only reason why I think we both have been doing so well. Thank you to everyone for all of their kind words and prayers. The support we have received is why I am glad that we have been so open and honest about everything that has been happening.
Before I go, I want to share a poem that was sent to me. M, thank you so much for this poem. It is so touching and and means a lot that you thought to send it to me.
A Man in Grief:
It must be difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since “men don’t cry” and “men are strong”
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she’s doing all right
And what she’s going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
“My friend, but how are you?”.
He hears her crying in the night
and thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But stays strong for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be brave~
He lost his baby too.
Labels: Chris' posts, Grief, Inspirational