I Used to Be Funnier.

For everyone's sake I hope the next post I write is nothing like this pile of word vomit.  But today you get word vomit, and I hope to gawd you've all been vaccinated.

These past two weeks have been pretty shit-tastic.  Really.  A wicked good time.  See, there was the incredible time I had being pregnant for a week, only to lose my baby in a term called, a "chemical pregnancy." Then, I couldn't even think about my 5 year anniversary for a week, because we miscarried on that day.  Then my little childhood doggie, Maggie, was put to sleep after 17 years, the following Friday.  She literally died with my arms around her and my sister holding her head. But it doesn't stop the hurt.  We've been going through some major stressful changes in my job, and I am losing the best co-workers I have ever had.  Then Chris gets teased with this amazeballs job at his work that would give us All The Money to afford more treatments, but now there is a kink in that, and it may not even come to be.  My sister is planning on moving out of state, 2 months after my littlest sister left.

I'm not sleeping.  At all.  Last weekend I finalized plans for my necklace to honor baby Adam, and I thought that was going to give me some closure.  And it did.  But since the miscarriage, I haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks.  I'm sucking down coffee, but it's not working.

As for the grief, wow.  The grief is a funny thing.  It can hit you when you least expect it.  I can be in the car, with the windows down, laughing at something Chris says, and this wave rushes over me.  And suddenly, I can't breathe.  And I want my baby.  And the breakdown begins.  Last night, I walked past my pregnancy tests that were still laying out on my dresser.  I can't move them.  I saw the last test I took, about six hours before I got the call that he wasn't going to make it.  The strong pink line.  And it makes me think this is all some cosmic joke.  It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced.

We have decided to take this cycle off.  The thought of going back to the pills, multiple daily injections, monitoring, all-things dildo cams, and emotional/physical side effects makes me even more tired than I already am.  So I have a month to have my body for myself.  But the insurance money is gone.

We are doing the Attain Program.  Assuming, of course, that we qualify.  For those of you who don't know how it works, here's a little diddy:

After talking with the insurance company, we found out monitoring costs are covered under our medical insurance.  So that saves us about $6,000.

We are taking out a $17,000 loan against the 401K.  For $17,000 we get three fresh and up to three frozen cycles of IVF.  If there is no preshus baybee sleeping in our crib when all is said and done, we get that money back.  If we get pregnant by the 3rd IVF cycle, we save thousands of dollars.  If it takes us two cycles, we pretty much break even.  But if we get pregnant our first cycle of Attain, well, that's a $17,000 baby right there.

Is it worth it?  A thousand times over, yes.

But it makes me bitter.

It makes me bitter that pregnancy comes so easy for so many, and we are up to our necks in debt, doing something that doesn't even guarantee a child.  It makes me bitter that so many complain about their children, while I know I will have to go back to injections, and hot flashes, crying spells, and the overwhelming terror that all of this is just going to lead to more babies lost.

And then that thinking makes me feel like shit, because I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

So.  We are moving forward.  For those who know me in real life, if I insist on always eating at Taco Bell, and would rather spend the day canning green beans than going shopping, it's because we are trying to buy a baby.

I'm poor.

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