Rules of the Andrology Lab- For Men Only

I thought I would share some "unspoken" rules that men should be following during our portion of this process.  Our wives have to go through so much.  Injections, pills, suppositories, ultrasounds and painful procedures.  They are hormonal and emotional.  The least we can do is provide our sample in an efficient manner, with the lowest probable outcome of severe embarrassment.  Here are some important aspects you should consider when visiting the andrology lab:

Andrology rules:
  1. Please don't have your wife, or mom, (I'm still not quite sure on that one) check you in and go over the "preparation" instructions with the tech.
  2. Do not, under any circumstances, make eye contact with anyone sitting in the waiting room.
  3. Under no circumstance, ever, should you nod or say hi to anyone in the waiting room.
  4. Request the furthest room from waiting area, otherwise you will hear voices and movement.  This can be distracting.
  5. Please, for the love of God, LOCK THE DOOR! You just never know. 
  6. Wait until the tech leaves the room before picking out your reading material. 
  7. Under no circumstances should you ever need to get near the walls of the room, which of course means you should never hit the wall. The last thing your neighbor needs is a knock from next door.
  8. It's not ok when you are weight-lifting to grunt in a gym, and it's just flat out wrong here. 
  9. Always remember, this is a booty call, and the cup called you. It owes you nothing.  And no cuddling afterwards.  The staff doesn't like that.
  10. Again, and I can't stress this enough, when making the walk of shame back to the waiting area, DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT.  Ever.  With anyone.  For any reason.
Pro Tips:
  1. Act like a newbie with the tech unless they recognize you.  There is no better indicator of how infertile you are then when you get on a first name basis with the lab techs. 
  2. Ask the tech where the radio volume control is at.  That way you can solve noise problems, or bring headphones so you can set the mood yourself. 
  3. Don't allow your wife to cheer you on by sending you "Go get 'em tiger" text messages while you are in the room.
  4. In fact, it's probably best to keep your cell phone on silent to avoid any calls to from your mother.
  5. Remember, this isn't a race.  It doesn't matter if if takes you five minutes, or a half hour.  Unless of course you allow your wife to send encouraging messages.  See Pro Tip #3.
  6. Always pick the reading material with the least amount of crinkles.
  7. If you think that room will be filled with a purple satin couch, and three college girls working their way through school, you will be sorely disappointed.

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