Risa: Version 2.0

Distractions are good.  Today was better, being at work.  Don't get me wrong,  I had a good Easter with the fam.  I enjoyed my day off yesterday.  Usually on Mondays I have class, so it was nice to have the day to myself and catch up on things.  I cleaned.  I did laundry.  Planted my herbals.  I cried one more time today but that was because I read through all my comments.  You guys are way too nice.  I am just too hard on myself.  I go all bat-shit emo and then I feel like I have to apologize for it.  I guess I am still dealing with the stigma of infertility and feel like I have to tread lightly or people will think I am a complete basket case, like that girl in The Breakfast Club.

I had a voicemail on my cell phone when I was at work.  It was my clinic telling me there have been some cancelled appointments with our doctor this week and to call back if we wanted to get in sooner.

We are supposed to be conferencing with our doctor about our next steps at our appointment April 29th.  Which also happens to be my graduation day.

Nothing like a little discussion of "Why the fuck can't you get pregnant?" on what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

Still, I am sick of missing work.  Our scheduled appointment is on my day off, so I won't have to take any time off.  I don't know.  Maybe tomorrow we will see what is available.  It's weird not going to the clinic anymore.  Well, I can't say that because I DID go there on the third day of my cycle for blood work.  FSH, LH, TSH, estrogen and... I'm forgetting one.

It's strange, going to the clinic and not getting an ultrasound.  I had my pants halfway off that day before the lab tech kindly reminded me that this was a lab-only appointment.  I feel like one of Pavlov's dogs: walk into the clinic, start dropping the panties at the door.   It's that automatic.

It's a nice change.  When I first started going to the clinic, I couldn't understand why there were couples who took a "vacation" month off.  "Why?" I always retorted, "Don't you want to get pregnant like yesterday??"  Now I get it.  Deciding to take this month off is so refreshing.  I am even <gasp> starting to feel like myself again.  Still childless, but myself.  I need this break.  Chris needs this break.  Our marriage needs this break.  Hell, our bank account needs this break.  The downside is that I can no longer blame my raging bitchiness on Clomid.

Because moving forward means we will actually be saving for IVF instead of pretending to save for IVF.  This kid is never getting an allowance.  If he/she ever complains we never gave them anything, I will whip out my stack of infertility bills and.. let that speak for itself.

I haven't tried to think much about all that stuff today.  In fact, Chris and I are waiting for the tree-man to get here and give us an estimate on the two trees we want to take down in the backyard.  Then we are going to walk the dog.  And then maybe drink some wine.

So I am hanging in there.  The pain isn't so bad, when I am not thinking about it.  Anyone want to take me out for copious amounts of alcohol? 

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