I'm kind of nervous. I finished my 5 day cycle of Clomid on Friday. I am a little bloated. Less though, than I was, because my diet is now lower in sodium. And I snapped a few times at Chris, but that could just be my natural bitchiness and have nothing to do with medications. No hot flashes. No crying bouts. No rages. Everything is just so much tamer. It makes me nervous. Every time I take my first dose of Clomid on CD3, I always get this "here-goes-nothing" feeling. This "I-wonder-what-I-will-scream-at-Chris-for-this-month" attitude that has always been there. Is my body getting used to these added hormones?
When I first started Clomid, back a beh-JILLION months ago, I read that if Clomid doesn't work after 6 cycles, it won't ever. As my OBGYN put it, "You can be on Clomid forever; that doesn't mean it'll work any better." Forever. Can you imagine? Infertiles everywhere are throwing up their hands in terror and punching their spouses in the face.
Forever. That's how long I've been on Clomid. 12 cycles. I'm going to get ovarian cancer. I know I am. I hope this was my last cycle. I'm done with it. It hasn't gotten me any more pregnant. I just have to thank my lucky stars that I haven't had to deal with ovarian hyperstimulation yet.
I am feeling a sense of peace this month. Not the Al Bundy sense of relaxation, but just.. peace. That this is it. That after this cycle, we are done with IUIs. It's not going to work. One more cycle and then we move on. I saw three more Facebook pregnancy announcements on Facebook. And I am ok with it. Sure, I would be happier if it was ME, but I haven't had that sick feeling of seeing those announcements and comparing them to my own vacant uterus.
I'm doing ok. I am having sex with my husband and not thinking about it leading to a baby. I am taking more walks. I am down 2.5 pounds this week since starting Nutrisystem. I am trying to deal with the fact that I will most likely be doing IVF. When I got married, I never dreamed I would be one of Those People who did IVF. When I got married, I thought IVF babies were literally conceived in test tubes. (I've gotten much smarter since then). I'm doing ok.
So Clomid, allow me to give you a very big Fuck You. I win.
Labels: Fertiles, Inspirational, IUI, Marriage, Rantings, Reasons infertility sucks